Life is never about easy things, we all know that. A friend of mine told me a long time ago to stop stating the obvious. Yet, I can’t break that habit. What if I tell you a love story – a story that is not so typical? Yet, we all went through it, and we will – many more times. What if I tell you that I can teach you to love the proper way? You never thought something like that exists. And, even if it did exist, why and what would make me an expert? Well, the thing I learned in this life is that you can’t have all the love you need, the right type of love you need, or the amount of love you need, at the same time and at the same place. And that makes me an expert because I live that life and I use all that widespread love as fuel.
When I was just a kid, I was unlucky to not learn what hard love is. Yes, unlucky. My parents got me when they were older. And, although their lives were something between a tragic comedy and science fiction, they knew the way the love works. They knew the language of love. It just happens so that they rarely expressed that love towards me at the same time and at the same place. As fundamentally different people, they chose the shape of love that I was allowed to see. Yes, daddy was never there because he really worked day and night, weekends and holidays. My mom used to do the same, and then I came. Somebody had to keep the level of love as near as possible to 100%, and they both thought they did it on their own. And they did, but together. I am definitely not gay because of the absence of my father or identification with my mother. I knew I was gay the very first time when I met a beautiful boy at the age of five and we both showed a childish, naive, and undefined love to each other.
And guess what? Life happens. It’s like a fast forwarding VHS cassette with an unknown ending. You’re never completely sure when the tape will break. You have one best friend, a second best friend, a first big love, a second big love, a first serious love, a first really serious love, a “now I’m not joking” first love, etc. Where are all those people? Why are some of them more present in my memories than others? Who says that I loved more at the age of twenty-four than seventeen? Nobody. Nobody will ever tell you. And you know why? Because you can’t measure that. You can’t gather all the people you liked and loved, befriended and unfriended, the ones you thought you loved and the ones you wish you could hate at the very same place and time.
As you walk down your curvy road, trying to leave some marks for love to find you, you realize that love is like physics – or, at least, those parts of physics about light, sound, or maybe even speed. You will find yourself loving your best friend 5,678 miles away from you a little bit more than your uncle that sleeps in the room next door til the day he dies. You will still feel butterflies for that guy you just briefly dated and you thought you would go and learn surfing in Australia with, but not for the one who takes you to your favorite chocolate shop and makes everyone aware how proud he is that he loves you, and that you love him back.
One day, you will find yourself with your luggage – full of nice shirts, underwear, pills and books you bought months ago and should have read before. And, you will make that very spot your control tower. Your loves become domestic and international flights. Some of them are late and they are rushing to get to the airport and some are just always on time and around so you feel safe. Some flights come every few months or maybe even years, because it simply doesn’t pay off to come that often when it costs more than you can afford. And, there are some that you will see on the radar and then they will disappear. Forever.
But the very fact that you do have a place on this crazy planet, and that you establish your own control tower makes you a powerful being. You are expecting, receiving, preparing to take off, preparing to land, losing control, giving, and finally sometimes losing.
And there, from your own control tower you have the most amazing view anyone can have. You can see everything, but not everything is revealed that easily. Sometimes those wings of love get carried away and don’t reappear, and sometimes you just have to accept you will have to love a faint sound, miles away from you, and that you should cherish the moments if and when you have an opportunity to let that love manifest itself.
I am not trying to be super smart or artistic here. I just realized it today. While I was there in Belgrade, I was able to enjoy the love of my parents, but not my best friend. In a little less than twenty-four hours I will feel her love, but my parents will be a distant love. And, when I finally save some money to go to Japan, I might make a new love there. Most likely, all of my other loves will be scattered around the world. And, that is ok. That is really ok. Imagine if you didn’t ever live on this planet. Envision it without all these loves. Wouldn’t that be a crappy place? Wouldn’t you trade that empty space for a simple telephone call or a shirt you got from someone you love that you are convinced it still smells like that person? Wouldn’t you? I would.